The Confessional: May I Be Honest?
I’m a wreck.
I need to set 2 alarms for each upcoming “thing” because I WILL forget within a span of 15 minutes.
Oh golly. I HATE to bring the Whine. But.
Not to be confused with butt.
I’m tired. I am busy. I am weary. Weary.
I am busy because I have work.
I am busy because my mind never shuts off and I have all these ideas and I don’t know what to do with them so some are trapped and choking my brain and others are floating in email or notes or…
I am desperately unorganized.
It’s busy because I have healthy, active kids.
It’s busy because I have friends who still want to be my friends eventhough I REALLY SUCK AT BEING A FRIEND RIGHT NOW.
I got a bracelet in the mail today from a friend. I cried. I was humbled and blessed, and the sparkles mesmerized… I escaped for a moment…
But you know what? I don’t deserve to have friends who send me notes or bracelets or texts.
Because I am the suckiest of friends. Of mothers. Of people.
I am also not at all dramatic.
*eyes go wild*
And I am SO keeping that most perfect and sparkly bracelet…And I wish I lived close enough Erin so I could squeeze her to pieces.
I am afraid of meeting new people and liking them because I don’t feel I have time to add anyone. I’d just end disappointing them.
Good thing he is omni-everything. Because Jenny On the Spot has put Him in a spot too…. having to follow me around in my non-stillness and whathaveyou. Not that he HAS to, but I know He does.
Literally. I am thanking Him.
I feel humbled daily by the people who reach to me with compassion and understanding. I am left scratching my head because I feel completely unworthy of tolerance or compassion because I feel I am living so selfishly… with all my wah-wah busy-ness hanging out all over the place.
So. There it is. Well, not all of it. Yeah. Definitely not all of it… I can’t put all of it out there. And as much as I want to be part bringing the happy… Oh. Friends. I have some rotting pieces of heart that I fight daily to recover… Anger. Bitterness. Pride. Resentment. Discontent. Jealousy.
And also rage. Just a little bit-o-rage.
I’ll admit it… “peace and sparkles” is a choice. A concerted effort.
I was going to take a picture of me sitting here in all of my wallering and such. But if you look up a few lines, you’ll see the word “pride”. Yeah. Pride stood between me and that camera and said, “GURL. Haz you did see how you is lookin’ right now?” So i hid behind my phone.
Sometimes… pride works in one’s favor.
You know what else works in one’s favor???
Rest. And that is what I am going to go do. Rest. Because I am ill-prepared for something I committed to and if I suck at what I committed to, it will be a “can’t unring that bell” kind-of scneario. I am hoping that at the very least I can prepare enough to fake my way. Kind-of like an essay test. I often knew far-too little to ace ANY test, but gimme an essay test… and I could run the finest rabbit trails to fool to brightest of scholars. I even have an A in upper-div poly sci to prove it.
Oh. And. I’m not reverse-psychologinging on you to get comments like, “Oh, You are SUCH a good person.” I’m half-way tempted to not have comments on. But I’m not going to turn them off on account of the fact I don’t think I am alone in these struggles. And if there’s an opportunity to share-alike and then encourage others as we work our way out of our own special struggles, then… that’s where good can come.
Now. Do I have the nerve to publish?
Need (TO WIN) a video camera? Head over to Memories in Motion… closes March 1oth!
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