The Blackness of My Hopeless Heart: That Full Glass is Gonna Be Empty

fighting itI really try. I fight it everyday. Every. Day.

I was born with the innate gift to see a half-empty glass. In fact, if there is a FULL glass… my response is “Sure. It’s full NOW…”

Some of you are surprised to hear this. “Happy Jenny”? Not my “Happy Jenny”!

I make a conscious effort to keep this space positive. It is the place I come to escape my little bent toward the negative. In fact, years ago I stopped watching dramas on TV… House, Law & Order, ER… I saw fear building in how I perceived MY life based on fictitious portrayals of humanity. My earliest writings definitely bear witness to this “other Jenny”.

Not all of the “bent” is bad. My husband is an extreme dreamer. We compliment each other very well when it comes to discerning together how full the glass actually is 😉

But then days like today come. And I think maybe I should just hang my sad little chonies on the line for all to “see”. I am just a woman tryin’ to get by.

I am a woman of faith. I am weak. I am tired. I am anything but perfect. And I can’t do this alone.

I imagine even Pollyanna would flip days like this The Bird.

Today just held wave after wave after wave… not any one wave being “the worst ever”, but each knocking me back a bit… enough to catch a breath, but by the end… who has the strength to fight for air?

I give.

Today we lost glasses ($$$), had a dog “issue” (read: $$$), *this* bad news (read: $$$), *that* bad news (read: $$$)… and then there’s the colossal early bird reg + planning committee = have to go to event… But then there’s x 2 + will not meet earlybird deadline + still have to go = financialsuckfest. Also, I yelled at my kids. Big. I hate this the most. And all of that is only fried skin of this whole chicken.

Put a fork in me. I. Am. So. Done.

I can’t find the smile… or see past my exhaustion to find the funny story to post instead.

Ultimately, I feel like a brat. Nothing went MY way and I emotionally stomped, and shot fire out my nose all the way.

I long to be a person who can graciously roll with the waves.

Damn it.

You know how much I love double rainbows? If I don’t say “awesome”, I say “That was DOUBLE RAINBOWS!” My Facebook status at the end of the day read: “Double rainbows can suck it.”

I know. It was that bad.

I don’t want pity. I just want to… I dunno. I guess keep it real, for real. I have many friends who are dealing with stresses far more serious than my own. And all of that just sucks too. So much.

This too shall pass… I believe that wholeheartedly. I just pray I can handle the waves with more grace than I did today. And if those double rainbows had real pots of gold… I’d never have told them to “suck it”.


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36 Responses to “The Blackness of My Hopeless Heart: That Full Glass is Gonna Be Empty”

  1. Bravo, Jenny. For being real. And honest. There is something comforting about this post… Not in the “misery loves company” kind of way, but in a “whew… I am not alone” kinda way. And because perhaps you said the things I have been wanting to say for a while though I would have used a lot of profanity (and regretted that the minute I posted) and it would have been used against me in a court of law. My friend, It’s. So. Hard. And the only comforting words I can find for you right now are: You are not alone!
    You are so right in that knowing we will survive is one thing, doing it gracefully is a whole nother. I am RIGHT there where you are at.
    The only thing I keep reminding myself is that, the promise was never that it would be easy. But that we would be held. And all I can do is cry out, “hold me”.
    Yes, this too shall pass. Yes, this season is growing us and making us stronger and better. But it still SUCKS.

    Through it all, you are held.

  2. Tiffany Musselman says:

    I’m sorry you had a no good, very bad, rotten day! Thanks for keeping it real. Makes the rest of us fee better. Tomorrow will be a new day, hopefully with less waves.

  3. jules says:

    I am like you. Except on my blog, I put it out there. With my friends I do too. Because at my job, I can’t. Hubby is a glass half full person. So irritating.
    Hope tomorrow is better!

  4. Jenny says:

    I love it. I think the title of this should be “Double Rainbows can Suck it.” LOL. You rock mama.

  5. Chantelle says:

    I really appreciate this post, jenny. Can’t pin point exactly why. I guess it’s because you always bring a shiny, happy light to my day but I thought you were just one of ‘those people’ (to which I will never fully relate) who just naturally burps sunshine 24/7. To know that you actually WORK at it encourages ME to work harder at it too. 🙂

    ((hug)) Hope your spirits perk up soon.


  6. Heather says:

    jenny, i adore you and your realness. thanks for keeping it real and expressing your feelings. you are amazing in always seeing the funny in situations that could easily cause one to be the debbie downer. and sometimes there really is NO funny to be found. i totally resonate with this post because the past few days we have gone through *crap!* i am tired of it and ready to get out of my debbie downer mood. today is a new day. and there will be another one after that. love you girl!

  7. I was in a kinda funk yesterday too.
    I didn’t feel like doing anything. cook, clean, prepare anything for my kids, eat any food myself…
    Honestly I was just depressed.
    Life is hard, and then you die mentality.
    i’m sorry you had a rough day but I am glad you shared your “day” with us. Sometimes it is nice to know we all have “those” days too.

    “Double rainbows can suck it!” Love that you said that. LOL. Good expression when we are down.

    Hope tomorrow is a better day and with much less $$$ involved.

  8. Dan O. says:


    SIGH….I guess that’s what growing up in Corcoran will do to us. I am ultimately the same way. I can never see the glass half full. Especially now. Being so far away from my little ones, there’s no possible way for me to see the positive in that. It’s always the many “waves” as you put it of crap that pile on throughout the day that set us all back. I hate it when people say “At least you’re not the only one.” Great. This I know, but what does that do to help ME?! Life pretty much sucks sometimes and we all need thicker helmets to get through the s@#t storms. BUT…it helps to have outlets and friends to unleash our woes to. Those are always constant and will never falter.

  9. Kearsie says:

    Oh how this is so much like me. My Hubs, too, is all the way up in the clouds and I am sitting here on the Earths with my feet planted solidly on the ground. Probably more like, 2 feet under ground.

    Shall I paint you a pretty picture (read the word “pretty” loosely) and send it to thee, my sweet Jenn-ay?

    Also, my, ahem, visit from the hormonal fairies is coming soon, so I shall be looking at the world with black-colored glasses soon. Then I shall turn to thee, sweet Jenn-ay, for the double rainbows and happy vibes. For surely this too shall pass and smiles shall replace the finger. Hugs and smooches.

  10. cali says:

    *ginormous hugs* <3

  11. Joe says:

    Tutu’s and glitter…It doesn’t change anything but makes it easier…

  12. Yep, now I know why I like you…you are a lot like me. I staged on a full on fight with my husband via text message last week. I did it again today….I swear my life is one big to-do list right now and all my to-do’s, cost $$$$

  13. Karen says:

    I love you and I love your honesty! People have written such good responses that there isn’t much to add… other than I love you so very much and am sending you big huuuuuuuugs!

  14. Karen says:

    hmmmm I wonder if the double moon due this friday has anything to do with the down feelings everyone is expressing? Or maybe the end of summer and the Fall schedule looming? Is a double moon the opposite of a double rainbow in its effect perhaps?? (Double moon due to Mars being so close to our moon it will look like we have 2 moons. Won’t happen again in our live time or our children’s life time… or so I read anyway!)

  15. wendy hagen says:

    Will pray for you today.

  16. Dumblond says:

    *sigh* It’s a sick rule of The Universe that crap happens in groupings. It’s never just one thing at a time. I have lived through this…over and over.
    You have great friends and fans who love you. All you can be expected to do is weather the storm. You’ll come out the other side even more shiny. (is that even possible for you?!)

  17. Andrea says:

    Jenny–we are in the middle of GOLD COUNTRY-and do you have ANY idea how badly–I mean sooo badly—want to find a chunk of gold laying on the side of the road? Apparently last year, some yahoo visitor found one while he was just walking along a path–it was as big as his fist! I want gold–I don’t ever want to think about money or timelines again! The school year hasn’t even started and I’m already exhausted! You are so not alone! xoxoxoxoxoxoxxo

  18. jennie says:

    BIG hugs, honey bunny. I’m calling you.

  19. TONYA says:

    And yet, even in your dark moments, you still manage to be a funny girl: “I emotionally stomped, and shot fire out my nose”. Love you. Hugs.

    And as soon as I unpack my bags from BlogHer, I will shoot you the info you asked for :).

  20. thenextmartha says:

    We all deserve a “Go suck a tire” day. Hope those rainbows come back out for you.

  21. I am sorry that you feel that way. We are all entitled to have days like this (though I have been “entitled” a bit too much lately).

    Thanks for being real with your audience – it makes you more human. I hope you find peace, a winning lottery ticket or a good box of wine. Just remember me if you find the lottery tic.

  22. greensullivan says:

    I see a new tab for your blog: Double Rainbows Can Totes Suck-it

    Yes it’s good. I like it! Sugar, you are real. A real human girl. Yes you are sprinkled in glitter but sometimes even that gets tarnished so it’s O.K. You’re right, this is gonna pass. The sparkle will come back 🙂 You were overdue for a ‘keepiing it real’ post and the timing is so in-line w/ so many of us right now. How many tears did we cry over dinner last night? Or in the car on the way to the lake yesterday? Or the fact that ‘my heart feels like it’s made of pure steel-it’s just so heavy all the time’ (thank you JF for that quote).

    Thing is we have to remember, it’s normal and it’s the K. to be down. Everyone goes there and with hope, love and prayer we find our way back out. So you know you can call a million of us if ever your heart turns to steel and we’ll be there to help lift it for you. You are loved and you are love!


  23. Many a day lately you have sent a little glitter my way. In fact, I’m certain there was a FB post where you mentioned ‘perspective’ 🙂 And the best part of that? Some days it is just ok to acknowledge the bad and embrace the ‘suck it’ factor. My day last week? Just baaaaaaad. In fact today is a little shady as well.
    However, I have glitter ready when you need it. xoxo

  24. I am on the other side of a tough stretch and am here to say you are right – this too shall pass. However, when you’re in the thick of one of those downswings its SO hard to keep up hope. Sending you a hug.

  25. Leisha Maw says:

    It always comes in waves. And it does suck. Sometimes. But not always. I hope your next day is wave free. Or at least let the waves be smaller. 🙂

  26. Mandi says:

    Ugh. Some days/weeks/months are like that and it stinks. I wish I could send you a tree that grew money (I’m still trying to grow mine) and a super speedy fast jet ski that could cut through all those waves and you’d look like Pamela Anderson flying over them in slow motion (the Pam from 20 years ago, not now). Hang in there, friend…

  27. jenny says:

    @everybody… I want to hug you ALL. Thank you. I am going to send a little note to each of you this evening… <3

  28. Angella says:

    Sing is sista… sing it!
    Sucky day happens… and sometimes the glass is half empty… it is part of life. Thank you for being real.
    Real life has ups and downs… and since you are in a down swing, up can’t be far away. Hang in there!

  29. Shannon says:

    {{hug}} I hear ya. I’m a glass-empty kinda gal, too. And I don’t even have the funny to make up for it like you do. 😉 We all have bad days. And REALLY bad days. Don’t knock yourself down further. You owned it and you shared it, and now, it’s gonna get better.

  30. trish says: spirits.get together.girls night.soon. love you.

  31. Rebecca says:

    Oh I know. I so know. You are a bright spot even if there isn’t much light to be seen on certain days…….

  32. I KNEW I LOVED YOU but NOW I know WHY!!!!!! We really are kindred spirits – in our craziness and in how hard we try to push back our fears, the waves that knock us over, and put on brave faces.

    NOW, if only you lived next door, now that WOULD be double rainbows!! (And we could make crazy vlogs together whenever we wanted!)

  33. Hi, its Saturday now, and I hope the blackness has abated somewhat.
    Its another sunny day in the PNW, hope you can get out and enjoy it a bit.
    Thanks for keeping it real, thats just as important as glitter and sparkles. Hugs.

  34. I have been there. SO totally been there. In fact, I’m half-there right now.

    I love your candid, real post. Thanks for the reassurance that I’m not alone in feeling this way sometimes.

  35. Crystal says:

    Jenny – it’s been a few days since you posted and I’m hoping things are looking a little less empty for you. I love your honesty and openness. It’s clear that even though some days “double rainbows can suck it” you are surrounded by love and women who will walk along side you on this crazy journey. Remember that although the glass may be completely empty, there are others around you who will continue to fill yours up (including the big cheese! – hopefully God will find that funny). Keep perspective (you could live in Pakistan, Darphur……), play good music on in the background to keep your heart light, and eat some (ok, a lot of) chocolate. It’s the best survival kit I can offer when you are alone. 🙂 Sending <<>> your way.

  36. Hey Jenny!
    I get a better picture of the “whole” you after reading this post. But even a sucky day post, you were able to interject some humor, and that is awesome. I guess the goal becomes to have more double rainbow days than sucky days, huh?
    Glad we met! Too bad we are on opposite sides of the country!

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