The Blackness of My Hopeless Heart: That Full Glass is Gonna Be Empty

by | Aug 26, 2010 | The Confessional | 36 comments

fighting itI really try. I fight it everyday. Every. Day.

I was born with the innate gift to see a half-empty glass. In fact, if there is a FULL glass… my response is “Sure. It’s full NOW…”

Some of you are surprised to hear this. “Happy Jenny”? Not my “Happy Jenny”!

I make a conscious effort to keep this space positive. It is the place I come to escape my little bent toward the negative. In fact, years ago I stopped watching dramas on TV… House, Law & Order, ER… I saw fear building in how I perceived MY life based on fictitious portrayals of humanity. My earliest writings definitely bear witness to this “other Jenny”.

Not all of the “bent” is bad. My husband is an extreme dreamer. We compliment each other very well when it comes to discerning together how full the glass actually is 😉

But then days like today come. And I think maybe I should just hang my sad little chonies on the line for all to “see”. I am just a woman tryin’ to get by.

I am a woman of faith. I am weak. I am tired. I am anything but perfect. And I can’t do this alone.

I imagine even Pollyanna would flip days like this The Bird.

Today just held wave after wave after wave… not any one wave being “the worst ever”, but each knocking me back a bit… enough to catch a breath, but by the end… who has the strength to fight for air?

I give.

Today we lost glasses ($$$), had a dog “issue” (read: $$$), *this* bad news (read: $$$), *that* bad news (read: $$$)… and then there’s the colossal early bird reg + planning committee = have to go to event… But then there’s x 2 + will not meet earlybird deadline + still have to go = financialsuckfest. Also, I yelled at my kids. Big. I hate this the most. And all of that is only fried skin of this whole chicken.

Put a fork in me. I. Am. So. Done.

I can’t find the smile… or see past my exhaustion to find the funny story to post instead.

Ultimately, I feel like a brat. Nothing went MY way and I emotionally stomped, and shot fire out my nose all the way.

I long to be a person who can graciously roll with the waves.

Damn it.

You know how much I love double rainbows? If I don’t say “awesome”, I say “That was DOUBLE RAINBOWS!” My Facebook status at the end of the day read: “Double rainbows can suck it.”

I know. It was that bad.

I don’t want pity. I just want to… I dunno. I guess keep it real, for real. I have many friends who are dealing with stresses far more serious than my own. And all of that just sucks too. So much.

This too shall pass… I believe that wholeheartedly. I just pray I can handle the waves with more grace than I did today. And if those double rainbows had real pots of gold… I’d never have told them to “suck it”.


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