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Of Course He Did…

We have a dog.

His name is Kevin.

Our dog Kevin

He’ll be 2 in May.

So he’s still a pup.

A 70 pound pup.

When we went to the vet about 2 months ago, he weighed 66.6 lbs.

That’s the Devil’s number, my friends.

I have never smelled the farts of the Devil, but I imagine the farts of Satan himself could not be much worse than the farts of Kevin.

They were so bad yesterday, I told the Twitters, “So. Our dog, Kevin… Did he eat a SKUNK or is he farting death itself?”

Lucy told me later he ate all her lunch.

Yeah. That’s ahahahahawesome.

Fast forward to the evening… minutes before the Huz got home. I was up in my room/office searching for pictures. A bit of a deadline was pressing my attention. So when the kids yelled, “KEVIN THREW UP!!! ON THE CARPET! A LOT!!!”

I said to me, “Well. It’s not like I turn back time. I can’t make him un-vomit on the carpet…I’ll just attach this photo to this email…”

MOM!!! KEVIN THREW UP AGAIN!!!!

Whu? Huh? The heck?

Literally, that was all that went through my head before they yelled,

MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!

HE JUST DIARRHEA’D IN THE KITCHEN!!!!!!

I run downstairs to find Olivia (8) crying because she thinks Kevin is going to die. Almost immediately I start gagging because the volume of vomit on my carpet rivals that of an OIL TANKER.

Oh yeah – AND THE SMELL!

I hurried to get Kevin outside. Pulled my sweatshirt over my mouth and grabbed a roll of paper towels. I covered the piles of goopy-death-stench as one would lay a blanket over a corpse.

It was all just so very awful.

The stench was only getting worse, so I had the kids open every door possible – all the while I gagged. I in a manner I never knew possible.

*

*

*

And then Olivia started crying even HARDER…

Because apparently now she thought, what with all of MY gagging, that her mother was now going to die!

Within minutes, the Huz pulled up to the house from work, and the kids all ran out… Olivia in tears, the other two begging their dad,

DON’T GO IN THERE! KEVIN THREW UP ON THE ENTRY, THE CARPET, THE BACK PORCH AAAAAAAND WENT DIARRHEA IN THE KITCHEN!!!!!!!

So. Paul comes in the house. Finds his beloved bride, in full gag. Gag. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAG… He immediately starts helping with the mess. And then yelled at me,

I CAN’T DO THIS WITH ALL THAT GAGGING. YOU NEED TO LEAVE.

So I went back to my room and finished sending my email…

********

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20 Responses to “Of Course He Did…”

  1. Vanesa K says:

    Sounds like a day at my house. Luckily…we bought a gutted house…and it needs all new floors. We ripped out some of carpet…and the rest are either cement or old hardwood. So when our new puppy…’Moose’, the Great Dane….throws up or poops or pees…no biggie. I do gag depending on the stench arrising from the pile. Ever notice that if you leave them there for a while the smell goes away? Just a thought…bahaha!

  2. I am gagging just reading this. It reminds me of when our dog was an indoor pup, but is now an outdoor dog for obvious reasons! I can pictured this whole scene and your kids and you doing this! I feel your pain girl.

    xoxo
    Denise

  3. Dawn says:

    All I can say is, “THANK YOU FOR NOT POSTING PICTURES!!!” Gag!

  4. The Lazy Mom says:

    Excuse me while I *gag* a minute.

    Okay, I’m back.

    Thanks for that. Really.

    It was…. entertaining.

    I think.

  5. Karen says:

    Thanks for the laugh! I am so sorry you had to experience that, but thanks for the laugh! Must have gotten into something bad huh?! Oh golly! One of those things that makes a great story for years, but is awful in the moment! It will rival Paul’s famous thanksgiving story!

  6. Becky says:

    OMG. I have lived this very nightmare. The depths of which your gagging emerges… I ran for a bandana so not only was I dry hurling, I also looked like I was about to rob a saloon.

  7. My husband’s name is Kevin. And I’m picturing that this is him. Heh. Heh-heh. (I’m having some anger issues with him right now.)

  8. jennielynn says:

    I officially nominate Paul for Husband of the Year. And oh, the stinky death farts…I know, honey. I so, so know.

  9. Tammy says:

    Ewwww….why can’t my hubby be more like your husband? My husband would be doing the gagging as I clean it up. You had me lol!

  10. jubilee says:

    So, yeah. I can totally relate. Our little dog (less that nine pounds) has done this very thing. My gagging didn’t inspire any action on my husband’s part except to say, “I’m glad you’re cleaning that up and not me!” It’s a good thing I love him! LOL

  11. Debbie says:

    Well now…isn’t that special lol. That would have so ruined my day…wow! Ohhh the joys of having pets. 😀

  12. Tarrant says:

    Oh my—now that is love.

  13. This is why I made an unwritten rule years ago to always go instantly and momentarily deaf at the first sound of retching in my house. So far, my plan has worked magnificently!

  14. Libby says:

    Is he okay? I’m guessing he ate something a kid gave him that they shouldn’t have.

  15. Louise says:

    WOW! I hate when they do that. LOL

  16. Michelle W says:

    I loved that you got to go back and finish your email:) It’s the little things really.

  17. Jo says:

    My hubby and I haven’t laughed so hard in ages – sorry to be so insenitive to your pain… 🙂 So well written…. How’s Kevin now?

  18. […] put weight on my feet and then I’d have to scream for all the pain… and the children would cry because they would think their mother was dying… So. For the sake of the children, trust me. They were HIGH. Like, circus people would pat me […]

  19. […] remember that one story about Kevin. That one story about that one time he … oh… THIS STORY? If you go read that story, it will give vital context to the Facebook post from my friend… […]

  20. […] “I KNOW! HE GAGS ALL THE TIME…. JUST. LIKE. MOM!!!” […]

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