5. 4. 3. 2. 1. *Clack*
A Story About A Guilty Mom… Scene opens:
A guilty mother. A busy preschooler. An elementary school. This… is their true story.
Guilty Mom enters the school with her 8, 5 and 2 year-old. She picks up her visitor’s badge. She delivers the Kindergartener to her classroom and begins the long journey across the hallway tiles (to the other side of the school) with her Second Grader leading the charge. The Preschooler is s l o w l y stepping on each tile… careful not to step on any cracks.
She must not want to break her mother’s back. Super.
Upon arrival, Guilty Mom is set to work by Teacher.
By the way, it’s reading time, so Preschooler needs to be veeeery quiet. Double Super.
“Shhhhhh. Shhhhhhh. Shhhhh…”
Guilty Mom wonders if Preschooler’s noises are more bothersome than her own spit-iful shhhhhhush’s.
Guilty Mom never realized how loud a stamp and stamp pad could be. She also never realized how loud pencils could be.
Soon it was time to put books away. Preschooler is given the task of walking one book at a time to Guilty Mom.
Preschooler fetches book, Mom stacks book. Not the most efficient approach, but efficiency is not Guilty Mom’s goal at this point. It goes well… until… Preschooler falls down and skins her neck… on a table leg. Her neck.
I don’t know.
The pitch the Preschooler’s cries hit were the kind that break wine glasses. Since this happened at an elementary school, this claim cannot be proven, for wine glasses are frowned upon at elementary schools.
Guilty Mom comforts, but also encourages Preschooler to cry quietly. “Mommy knows it hurts. You can cry. Just don’t cry out loud.” They walk the halls in search of student-free territory. Not so much.
Guilty Mom walks further from Second Grader’s classroom… she is hopeful more space will muffle the sounds of Preschooler’s agony. Only, Preschooler grows more upset to be so far from her adored second grade brother.
Guilty Mom tries to figure out which door to outside will let her back in, but she know they all are all locked on the outside. Guilty Mom is sweating.
Guilt Mom returns to classroom pod to put away items and make a quick getaway…. But Responsible Adult gets to her first. “In 20 minutes we need to have it quiet because of testing.”
Blood is spewing from Preschooler’s jugular. Not really.
Guilty Mom dehydrates to death right in the middle of the 1st and 2nd grade pod due to anxiety-induced sweating. Not really, either.
Guilty mom assures Responsible Adult, “We will be leaving WAY before that”… Guilty Mom needs to go help in Kindergartener’s classroom.
This is the truth.
The second shift went much more smoothly. Though a slamming door strongly suggested Preschooler was too loud for the teacher workroom. It also took awhile to arrive at Kindergartener’s classroom because of those blessed hallway tiles, and the imaginary bar between Preschooler’s legs that kept her from being able to bend her knees…
By the end of her volunteer time, Guilty Mom decided she needed a two big-a** chocolate chip cookies from Starbucks. Her blood sugar was low, and so were her chocolate stores. Guilty Mom is aptly named.
Guilty Mom had some time to kill after she replenished her vital nutrients. A shoe store was 2 doors down. Guilty Mom and Preschooler sauntered in. The smell of faux animal hide filled their senses. Preschooler exclaimed, “OH MAMA!!! WE’RE HOME!!! I’m gonna go wook at my shoooooooes!”
End scene.
It appears both Guilty Mom and Preschooler needed a little bit of post-volunteer “therapy”. I got my sugar and she tried on shoes. Girls.
