Waves of Melancholy

by | Nov 11, 2011 | General, Life | 25 comments

Melancholy + Jenny = not a match.


People expect “peace and sparkles”.


What most people don’t know, about me, is my inescapable bent toward being/feeling/seeing the negative.

Glass half-empty.

Since I was a wee one.

The “peace and sparkles” you see here has been a strategy for me to become a positive person. A light.

I want to be like those I admire most – a joy.

The “peace and sparkles” mentality is a point of focus for me to keep my eyes up…

A tightrope. Don’t look down.

Jenny don’t look down…

Lately, it has felt like my natural bent toward dark thinking has been working hard to pull me under.

I don’t know why.



A gap in my faith?

It seems the voices are yelling at me… Highlighting my insignificance as a woman/ person/ mother/ friend/ business woman. My inefficiency as a woman/ person/ mother/ friend/ business woman.

On one hand I feel black and empty.

On the other hand I feel more creative and full than ever.

A black wall.




Sometimes literally. I can feel my throat physically closing.

It’s hard to be alone in my house at times.


I run upstairs from the basement.

Just like my children.

I pray. I share with a few…

See a doctor.

Get medicated.

Read God’s word.


Get more sleep.

Honestly, I want to just run away.

Yet I’m tired of going.

I’m tired of expectations.

I want to sleep.

Yet I want to create.

I don’t know what I want to create… I just have this powerful yearning to CREATE.

To get it ALL out.

I want to scream.

I want to cry.


Things within that want out vs. the pull of time and expectations and a fear about what wants to come out…

I am people-pleaser.

I do not speak my mind.

Smile. Nod. Smile. Nod.

Make a joke.

Walk away.


Peace and sparkles.

Guilt and fear.

I feel guilty for feeling so dark.

My life is good.

Yes, there are some things certainly creating stress… but on a comparable level… we all have things that weigh heavily on us. And many have more.

I have nothing to complain about.

Yet darkness… heaviness…

And I can’t breathe.

feeling dark


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