So. I have this friend. Darcy. A personal trainer. A personal trainer who happens to be my friend who has been cruel kind enough to show me how to properly and effectively work out.
Functional Training
She is into “functional training”, and I’m all, “Heh… she said “function”…
Lemme tell ya, the first time she functionally beat the living crap out of me worked her functional magic…
I spent lots of time face to rubber with the butt of a Bosu ball. She is a HUGE fan of the bosu ball, thusandtherefore, I have now basically sucked face with a Bosu balls.
*not me* but… been there done that.
Wanna cookie?
I digress.
I went to her gym today so she could educate me, and a mere 12 hours later… OH MY GLUTEOUS MAXIMUS.
She’s good. She’s reaaaaaal good. *functionally pops 4 Ibuprofen*
She taught me all kinds of painful fun new moves.
Again — *not me*
I was unable to take pictures of me during my punishment training. Partly due to shame, but mostly due to flexibility issues. I mean, you do remember the “self-photography incident of Summer 2009″… don’t you?
Not so much pregnant, but try telling my shadow that, yo. Stupid purse.
Since I did not take any pictures of my training, I drew a few. To illustrate.
Pardon the quality. My scanner is broken, so I took pictures of my drawings. Using the camera on my computer. The struggle with tech is REAL.
Here are a few illustrations on the core training portion of our session…
First: The Plank…
Actual look on my face.
Next: Leg somethings…
I am not positive she had me do this one. But I feel like I did.
Now, I am not a fan of the gym-grunter-type-people. In fact, I make fun of The Grunters.
I mean… seriously.
OH. But. Today.
I grunted.
And now I have a strange craving for protein powder…
Wait. No. Nevermind…
How’d this picture get into this post?
Then Darcy made me do THIS with my body:
HOW FUNCTIONAL IS THIS???
Then she wanted me to do this cute move where I hopped onto the round side of the Bosu ball. She looked like this:
I looked like this:
This is not to scale. My legs are not actually that long.
O.K. I didn’t actually FALL. But I felt like falling.
That is what my brain was telling my body would happen, or rather what THE LAW OF GRAVITY demands.
At one point, she had me STAND on the upside down side (flat) of the BOSU, with 2 ten pound weights.
You are breathing in a paper bag for me, aren’t you?
I started laughing so hard I had to hold onto Darcy so as not to fall and said, “I’m sorry. I need to hold onto you until I get my laughing out.”
Typical Jenny.
My takeaway? Do not stand on an upside down Bosu ball unless you are depressed.
In an effort to help me refocus, Darcy had to encourage me with this line, “Think of something sad.”
I thought about my muffin top.
Darcy then introduced me to the TRX. I think that stands for The Real Xhell… or Terrible Real Xcruciatingawfulness.
Don’t certain institutions use such devices?
And she made me do this:
To gain access to the TRXs, one had to be taken to the Inner Sanctum — The Training Room.
I was Neo… and Darcy was my Morpheus….
Darcy is the one on the left. I am right next to her.
The one on the right is another victim trainee. It is in this room the real damage training gets done.
Shhh… it’s a secret… BTW, Darcy is not yelling at me… she is laughing at me.
Must be part of the functional training strategy.
