I don’t put my faith & really real heart struggles out there (here) often.
Faith, Heart, Struggle
Faith is messy. It’s misunderstood. It’s judged. It’s subject to wildly diverse perspective. And it’s personal. Faith is more personal than what people think about the size of my nose, the president I choose, or the intent of my heart. And for me, my heart is one with my faith… so it’s hard to share my heart without really digging into my faith.
But here it goes.
I am in the midst of what one might label a “Personal Crisis”. For some time now.
For months and months my heart has been calling out to God begging, “SHOW ME. I’m finally ready to see! I can’t keep doing anymore…”
Meanwhile, my head has been telling me, “Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. THERE IS SO MUCH TO DO. Can’t top won’t stop.” Not unlike White Rabbit in Alice in Wonderland.
I went on a walk today. I downloaded a recommended book on my phone (Audible) while not on wifi.
You know a person is in crisis when… there are 7 days left on their data package and they have used 85% of their data and wifi is unavailable and they download an entire book on Audible anyway.
I began listening to Present Over Perfect by Shauna Niequist as soon as the download was complete. For the first 15 minutes as each foot plopped itself before the other, I also fought back the tears. At one point I gasped to keep the tears back because I was on a ralk (term my husband coined just as I was leaving for my walk/run) and I didn’t want anyone think I was so out of shape that ralking made me cry.
In the midst my emotion from the words from Present Over Perfect being pumped into my ears, I remembered a moment the day before that had stopped me in my tracks.
The day before I was deep in my head. AGAIN. Pleading. I can’t really say in a few words what the plea was… because you know how your mind gets when IT’S talking instead of your mouth. And you know God is, well…. GOD and you know He kind-of knows ALL THE THINGS and and and at this point you don’t even know what you want you just know you need NOT THIS?
And in the midst of the wildly snapping synapses of my brain I heard:
I got you. You don’t need to. I will provide.
And I stopped. In my tracks. Because I thought I was as crazy as you think I am right now.
So yeah… I heard the voice. I did the things. I went to bed. The sun rose for a new day. I went on my ralk. I downloaded a book while not on wifi. And I started crying in the streets of my small town.
No wonder people think people of faith are bananas.
Once home, I took a shower. Though I might be bananas I am not stinky.
And then I opened up My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers.
I am not reading it according to the calendar day, but rather from the beginning (I got mine about a month ago). Technically I should be reading entries for the end of January by now, but with me and my unfulfilled intentions I am at the entry for January 9th. I digress.
I said to God:
I really need to read something good today. I really hope the entry I’m supposed to read today doesn’t suck because I don’t have time to search for something meaningful.
Verbatim from my heart to God.
I am such a jewel.
And then I read…
Chambers’ take on Psalm 139: O Lord, You are the God of the early mornings, the God of the late nights, the God of the mountain peaks, and the God of the sea. But, my God, my soul has horizons further away than those of early mornings, deeper darkness than the nights of earth, higher peaks than any mountain peaks, greater depths than any sea in nature. You who are the God of all these, be my God. I cannot reach to the heights or to the depths; there are motives I cannot discover, dreams I cannot realize. My God, search me.
Remember a few paragraphs up when I wrote about the brain and the wildness of my snapping synapses the day before? It was as if this passage was gifted to me to help me form the words I lack.
There is such chaos deep, down within me. It really is impossible to gather the words to even know what to ask or tell God… I cannot reach to the heights or to the depths; there are motives I cannot discover, dreams I cannot realize. My God, search me.
What’s my takeaway?
I HAVE NO IDEA.
But I can’t read those words without crying. I am not the only human struggling. I am not the only human who cannot realize… these words written so many generations ago. Psalm 139.
There are no answers for what I should do in that passage. But in them there is comfort.
If you believe in signs, then call it a sign….like a friend showing up unexpectedly at your door with flowers.
It’s a reminder that my tears are not falling into oblivion.
Does this mean life is going to change in one morning?
Truth is, I am so deep in. I can’t just shut everything down.
It’s like a being a in a crime syndicate… YOU CAN’T JUST LEAVE.
Or like tangled necklaces. You either have to throw them all out or sit down and untangle them.
I didn’t get to here all once. There will be a process. My specific next steps are unclear. But one thing is clear… things cannot continue as they have. They cannot.
I need wisdom. I need confidence (change is HARD, yo). I need rest. And I just really need God.