The Great Cleanse FAIL of 2008

by | Dec 4, 2008 | Health | 17 comments

I started a “cleanse” yesterday. It was to last for 16 days. DAYS.

If I have ever laid at the doorstep of Hell…

This — is my story… The great cleanse fail of 2008. 

The day started off great. I took my thyroid medication and waited an hour… I love waiting an hour to eat everyday for probably the rest of my life. 

I prepared my 1 cup of water and 1 teaspoon of psyllium powder… to be followed by one cup of water married with the juice of half a lemon.

Psyllium water IS THE WORST.  I gagged and gagged and… Licking mold off bread might have gone easier.


Breakfast: egg white omelette with onion and mushrooms. Alright.

Not alright.  Why can’t I add tomatoes and zucchini, spinach, maybe some YOLK??? 

On Twitter I shared: Jenny is hungry, under-caffeinated, has a raging headache, wants chocolate … and is cursing the concept of healthy eating. *raises fist to sky*”

Later on Twitter: Note to self: water spiked with psyllium powder triggers your sensitive gag reflex. Also, no amount of lemon water can unring THAT bell.

I suck down more lemon water, regular water and 2 cups of peppermint tea.

And now I want a Frito boat.

The husband and I nearly divorced for all the hunger and not seeing straight.

Did I mention he’s doing this too? It’s his fault. HE wanted to do this. I’m giving him moral support. I have no idea why I don’t have a golden cape to wear and a diamond-studded chalice to drink psyllium water from.

I can’t see. My optic nerves are not receiving adequate nourishment.

Broiling fish. That’s funny. I always thought fish were born with a layer of batter or breading.

And for that matter, where’s the “-n-chips”? I thought Greek name for fish was “fish-n-chips”. 

More tea.


Did someone just say casserole? Because I think I just heard somebody say, “The cheesy, yummy dinner casserole is ready!!!” No? I didn’t just hear that?

Can someone die from drinking too much water?

Is it safe for one’s head to pound so violently???

Seriously fighting to make it just. one. day.

Twitter update: Can’t. Type. So. Weak…

Can I just have 1 bowlful spoonful of peanut butter???

Can I just have ONE simple carb?

No? Then 800mgs of Ibuprofen it is.

*Twitter update: When coming off caffeine… do you lose the feeling in your limbs first or your brain? 

Just a block of cheese? One. Block. It doesn’t even have to be Tillamook.

For the love of…

My brain… I can feel it… it is beginning to atrophy…

Send. Help…

I bring home burritos the size of my thighs.

Twitterupdate: Cleanse FAIL. Still no coffee, but my belly is full of the most delightful carne asada burrito. I’d feel shame if my belly wasn’t so happy. 

Was gonna just eat half that thigh-sized burrito, but I didn’t.

Drank 2 beers. Really. 

Went with Lisa and sang karaoke… 

Aaaaand scene.

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