As part of yesterdays’ birthday celebration, I had to go get a new driver’s license at the DOL , and hithertowhereverthougoest… I was gonna get a good picture and also lieaboutmyweight. Nothing quite like getting a new driver’s license AND getting old(er).
I made it to the DMV… or the DOL (whatever) moments after the doors opened.
Gloray! There was no line. *devil sign*
I sauntered up to my the unknown victim male clerk behind the desk. “Hi Handsome” I said with a smokey soft voice.” “Hey! How cool is it that there is no line! Is it usually not this busy? Huh? Huh? Huh? How is your day so far now that your doors have been open for 2 minutes and 33 seconds? Huh? Huh? Huh?” I said in a much too caffeinated and uncomfortably giddy tone. For the clerk, but not for me. I wanted to be my own best friend! *shakes pom-poms*
*toothy grin*
Clerk: “Yeah. How ’bout that.” *sniff and a head cock*
Me:Â “Yeah. Well. I know it sure can be crazy some days. How’s it going so far?”
I continued to ask and initiate silly banter. I needed this guy on my side. I slathered him with acknowledgement of the crazies he must endure (self excluded).
This man would be taking my picture. I know. I should have brought him coffee.
Or a can of glitter.
Or Crack?
It became apparent his tough DMV exterior was cracking under the unbearable weight of my undying charm, yet he showed restraint.
I told him I like that in a man.
I barely had time to pinch my cheeks to get some color for my headshot before he gave the universal motion for “Move toward the camera, Lady”.
I stood in front of a lovely green “canvas”, that seemed to accentuate my sallow tones.
Clerk (think monotone, yet surprisingly warm): “OK. 1. 2. …”
Me: *not blinking* *smiling wildly*
He turns the screen. “How about this?”
I flinched and hid my eyes for fear of blindness:Â “OHMYTRAVESTYOFALLTRAVESTIESMAN!!! Are you trying to burn my eyes?!!! WHO IS THAT CREATURE???!!!!” “Oh my GOSH! That’s horrible. Can we do that again?”
His shrug said, “No kidding, lady. That one should be burned.” I almost gave him a high-five.
He showed me our next shot. I was all, “Good. GOLLY. NO! And… can we try it again?” *turns head to side and bats lashes*
Clerk: “Your call.”
I almost kissed him.
When I saw my third picture I said, “DUDE. WHY is my neck so big???! It’s HUGE!”
He said… I’m not kidding, he queried,
“Well. Have you been workin’ out?”
Then he giggled. I have to admit, that was clever. Props to Clerk. Big props for your wit.
But, you know… as a woman… ya kinda hope that kind-of scenario panning out a little different. Not that I need that scenario, but I kinda hope had that happened it would be because I was wearin’ some hawt jeans and what woman wouldn’t be flattered, even if for a moment to hear, “Have you been workin’ out?”
Unless they are talking about your neck. And you are a WOMAN.
SOoooooo… I wrapped my scarf around my “She must be workin’ out AAAAAND taking steroids neck” a second time.
The fourth pic was at least not offensive. And far-less less-necky. And I was feeling just a bit vain-er than usual after 3 re-takes, so I thanked my gracious clerk and scurried away… with a new feature to be overly-sesitive about. Maybe I should take lemons and make lemonade… MAYBE I should join a circus! I hear those folks are REALLY into glitter. *eyes cross*
