So, maybe I’m stretching the whole “What to Wear” theme a bit here.
But I’m “a creative”.
This is what we do… Color outside the lines as such.
Though I am not really a fan of coloring outside the lines.
I like boundaries and to know what they are and expect everyone to fall into line.
Or color in them.
So. Combine a rules-based personality & a creative personality and you get… Gosh. I dunno.
Me.
And my alter-ego.
But back to the soft heart.
I would like to have one.
[picture credit – Carolina Ponce on Flickr]
And I’ve looked all over the onlinez. I can’t find one on Etsy… or eBay… or Amazon.
There are moments in my journey as mom… I take a proverbial “step-back”.
I'm a mom.
I am Mom to three very precious people.
Mom.
And regardless of my level of compassion for my children... I am their Mom.
In those proverbial "steps back" I think, "Dear mercy. I am a jerk... TO MY KIDS."
My snapping.
My manipulative, verbal stabs and pokes to get them to pick up a sock.
I will roll my eyes first... then get the band-aid.
(They do hurt themselves a lot.)
But how much does their Mom...
Hurt them?
When they head into counseling in 10 years or so, they may realize I am not worthy of the title, "Mom".
I had a precious time with my five year old last night. It was the first night in months I sat, without a task in my hands. I left it all aside to watch a movie with the family... and to have lap-space available to snuggle. Lucy climbed in my lap and fell fast asleep... her baby heart and her five-year-old long, gangly legs. I watched her face as she slept in my arms. I stared and fell more in love, how is that even possible?! I wanted to stay there...
And then this morning she got ready for the day. We were going to go bowling. It was about 39 degrees outside. We were running late. We were a mile down the road when I noticed...
Flip flops.
39 degrees.
Sockless feet, headed for bowling shoes... Yeah. Public shoes.
And I snapped. Ish. I snapped enough to trigger a good wave of self-loathing.
"Well, Lucy. I guess you don't get to bowl."
All parenting styles aside... "tough love" to whatever ultimate free-choice-for-children parenting philosophy is out there... My response was born of a hard heart. A response not geared toward her learning or betterment or guiding in good choices.
I was p*ssed she didn't have socks to wear in bowling shoes.
I reacted... even attacked. With my words. And as the words came out... I knew.
It was a "step back" moment for this mom.
The words themselves were not mean. Might have even been a good lesson... But the heart behind the words was hard.
How did I get to here? WHEN did I get to here? It seems my fuse is short. And the opportunities to burn up hat fuse and long and many.
And this is why I want a soft heart... for my children.
For our relationship now, and in their adulthood.
For their understanding about who God really is.
I don't want to let them walk all over me. I simply desire - even when I need to be firm or tough - that my heart would be soft.
So. That is what I want to wear - inside...
A soft heart.
********
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