Lives look different from the outside.
I wonder what misgivings I’ve had about others that I’ll never know.
Things are not always what they seem. Things may look easy when peering in from outside… not feeling the heat, not hearing the noise, not living in the mess.
I don’t want to use the fact that I have a third child as my supreme explanation for my shortcomings…
It’s not that I have preschooler who doesn’t focus.
It’s not that I have a 1st grader to educate at home.
It’s not that I have a toddler to hold after she wakes in the morning, after her nap and before bed at night.
It’s not the fact that I have 2 “older” kids to schedule playdates for.
It’s not that the toddler needs to be dressed, undressed, changed, fed, buckled in and carried…
By the way, what’s for dinner, and “Mom, do I have clean pants today???”
It’s all of these things together that make me less focused. Less willing (and capable) of committing and making decisions. It’s all these things that grow the ball of tension that tends to sit in my chest (some call it indigestion…) and take root.
It’s all these things that give me the appearance of being flighty, undependable and indecisive. That’s what I think people see…
In fact, I make dozens of decisions every hour. And honestly, if I wasn’t having to tap into my decision bank so often for my 3, then I’d have some decision reserves left for others. Not to mention, memory.
I wish I didn’t care about what I think others think.
I know I am doing the best I can, with a reasonable flaw-margin… but when others don’t understand, I try to explain. Then I just sound like a jerk. But then, I’m a jerk if I don’t explain too.
Maybe.
I don’t know for sure what they see when they look through that window. I just know how I feel. And right now, I feel like I fail more than succeed.
