The Confessional: May I Be Honest?

I’m a wreck.

Am.

Is.

Am.

I need to set 2 alarms for each upcoming “thing” because I WILL forget within a span of 15 minutes.

Oh golly. I HATE to bring the Whine. But.

Not to be confused with butt.

I’m tired. I am busy. I am weary. Weary.

I am busy because I have work.

I am busy because my mind never shuts off and I have all these ideas and I don’t know what to do with them so some are trapped and choking my brain and others are floating in email or notes or…

I am desperately unorganized.

It’s busy because I have healthy, active kids.

It’s busy because I have friends who still want to be my friends eventhough I REALLY SUCK AT BEING A FRIEND RIGHT NOW.

I got a bracelet in the mail today from a friend. I cried. I was humbled and blessed, and the sparkles mesmerized… I escaped for a moment…

But you know what? I don’t deserve to have friends who send me notes or bracelets or texts.

Because I am the suckiest of friends. Of mothers. Of people.

I am also not at all dramatic.

*eyes go wild*

And I am SO keeping that most perfect and sparkly bracelet…And I wish I lived close enough Erin so I could squeeze her to pieces.

I am afraid of meeting new people and liking them because I don’t feel I have time to add anyone. I’d just end disappointing them.

God?

Good thing he is omni-everything. Because Jenny On the Spot has put Him in a spot too…. having to follow me around in my non-stillness and whathaveyou. Not that he HAS to, but I know He does.

Thank God.

Literally. I am thanking Him.

I feel humbled daily by the people who reach to me with compassion and understanding. I am left scratching my head because I feel completely unworthy of tolerance or compassion because I feel I am living so selfishly… with all my wah-wah busy-ness hanging out all over the place.

*serenity now*

So. There it is. Well, not all of it. Yeah. Definitely not all of it… I can’t put all of it out there. And as much as I want to be part bringing the happy… Oh. Friends. I have some rotting pieces of heart that I fight daily to recover… Anger. Bitterness. Pride. Resentment. Discontent. Jealousy.

And also rage. Just a little bit-o-rage.

I’ll admit it… “peace and sparkles” is a choice. A concerted effort.

I was going to take a picture of me sitting here in all of my wallering and such. But if you look up a few lines, you’ll see the word “pride”. Yeah. Pride stood between me and that camera and said, “GURL. Haz you did see how you is lookin’ right now?” So i hid behind my phone.

random

Sometimes… pride works in one’s favor.

You know what else works in one’s favor???

Rest. And that is what I am going to go do. Rest. Because I am ill-prepared for something I committed to and if I suck at what I committed to, it will be a “can’t unring that bell” kind-of scneario. I am hoping that at the very least I can prepare enough to fake my way. Kind-of like an essay test. I often knew far-too little to ace ANY test, but gimme an essay test… and I could run the finest rabbit trails to fool to brightest of scholars. I even have an A in upper-div poly sci to prove it.

Oh. And. I’m not reverse-psychologinging on you to get comments like, “Oh, You areΒ  SUCH a good person.” I’m half-way tempted to not have comments on. But I’m not going to turn them off on account of the fact I don’t think I am alone in these struggles. And if there’s an opportunity to share-alike and then encourage others as we work our way out of our own special struggles, then… that’s where good can come.

I hope.

Now. Do I have the nerve to publish?

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27 Responses to “The Confessional: May I Be Honest?”

  1. Frelle says:

    I love you. Exactly the way you are, right where you are. Because I get you. Your intentions and your actions can’t always line up. Busy and distraction overtake your loving and want-to-be-present nature. You love so deeply when you get two seconds to look into someones eyes and hug them, affirming with every little fiber of your being. You ARE a good friend. The moments you give are powerful, and last in the memory long after they have passed. I’m glad to hear from your heart today, I love your raw honesty, and your ADD nature of expressing your heart too. <3

    • Jenny Ingram says:

      Frelle… I know you are going through your own difficult time. Thank you for pouring forth encouragement despite the hard things you are facing right now. {hugs} {hugs} πŸ™‚

  2. Mrs. Flinger says:

    Oh, honey. I have to confess something: I’ve been sort of praying (if I prayed? Like that? I dunno, asking?) for a friend locally that would understand how weary and hard it is to work and have children and still want to be strong and hope and shine because it’s the only choice.

    This is to say, not only do I understand, but I wrote these same words in a question to find someone who would understand. The weary. MYGOD THE WEARY.

    I love you. My ten minute chat with you at Blissdom runs in my mind sometimes about how similar our lives are right now. Let’s get coffee. You know, in between everything else? XO

  3. Theda Overby says:

    Hmmm – did I write this in my sleep???

  4. Audra Marie says:

    I’m new to your blog, but I can so relate to the weariness deep within. I call it soul weary. When you feel like you can’t give another thing, yet you have to. Rest and restoration are indeed needed. Hang in there, and I’m sure you are valued as a friend even when you feel like you aren’t being much of one.

  5. furiousball says:

    oh i got the wearies so bad too chica, you’ll be ok, swear

  6. kirida says:

    I feel the same way–a wreck many times during the day. I’m not doing enough and my brain is working overtime and I cannot catch up. But you’re right, sleeping and resting does wonders. Hang in there, sister friend. πŸ™‚

  7. NewMom says:

    Thanks for your honesty. Being a new mom, I realize I’m quietly evaluating myself against the impressions I have about other moms’ lives – how organized, well decorated, clean, fashionable, meal planned, money saving, job holding, weight losing, outgoing, entertaining, and energetic they are. It’s unfair and unrealistic, but it’s hard not to compare. It really helps to have another mom say the honest truth!

    I don’t have it together. At all. I’m still up at all hours with my baby. There’s days I think I shouldn’t be behind the wheel of a car because I’m so tired. I’m running a business and trying to maintain good customer service. I don’t want to complain to anyone, or let anyone down. I feel like I’m a bad friend too because I’m unavailable or just exhausted and no fun. I can’t keep up.

    And last night I was up for hours with a crying baby, wondering how other moms do it, and questioning if I could ever have another baby someday without a complete nervous breakdown – or household staff.

    I’m a little horrified to read the comments and realize that this is normal for motherhood. I love my baby, but this experience isn’t what I expected. I thought I’d have my stuff together!

    Thanks for sharing part of your struggle. You are such a bright spot of sunshine in people’s lives. Perhaps you underestimate how much people enjoy just being in your presence, and really don’t expect anything else. That’s how I see it.

    Wishing you and all the other commenters some restful sleep and a space for thinking clear, uninterrupted thoughts.

    • Jenny Ingram says:

      Oh my friend… What you write here… sounds so much like me after my first… “last night I was up for hours with a crying baby, wondering how other moms do it, and questioning if I could ever have another baby someday without a complete nervous breakdown – or household staff.”

      I thought I knew everything. I had read everything… but there’s nothing quite like being face to face with another little will – fully dependent, but fully their own will.

      {hugs} and cameraderie…

  8. Kristin says:

    I have NO idea what you are talking about! πŸ˜‰ Love ya! Wish I couldn’t relate, but I do.

  9. jennielynn says:

    I wish I was closer so I could come over and smack ya upside the head. You are NOT a sucky friend.

    Be well, my dear, and know this is a season. I’m in one of those myself.

    Kisses (and a smack upside yo head.)

    • trish says:

      @jennielynn..I do live close, and I will lay down a smack on her sparkly head for you…then I will pinch that cute booty of hers so she knows we love her..although I am sure the smack will make that clear…well, I will still follow up with the booty grab just in case.

      JENNY gurrrl… I wanna steal you, Sara and Katie for a night of giggles. Oh, I will make it happen.

  10. teresa says:

    Let me see.
    I wonder if you were SPARKLING the day you drove the boys through the drive~thru the day of the field trip!
    yep…I think you were!
    SHINING and sparking so BRIGHT they will never~ever forget the COOL mom that drove them through the drive~thru…on the field trip!
    Hugs…and know that you are not alone.
    xo

  11. Bobbie says:

    I was exactly where you are two weeks ago. I was so exhausted that I couldn’t stand it and couldn’t get stuff done. And of course, God was back there somewhere. Be encourraged though! because it’s only for a time and I think you’re way better of a friend than you think you are. God is still there! Be encourraged!

  12. Michelle W says:

    The good kind of love is unconditional. And you are loved.
    Your friends know you and love you.
    None of us is perfect. And sometimes, even most times, it is the thought that counts.
    You have lovely thoughts. And intentions.
    You are loved.

  13. meg duerksen says:

    it IS hard to always put that happy face on. i hear ya.
    because that isn’t real either.
    sometimes even the happiest people have really sucky days. and have sucky people in their life that hurt them. and disappoint them.
    and even happy people cry.
    and yell.

    at least that is what i am telling myself (and you) brcause i am a very happy person and that is what i do sometimes.

    i am so glad you met and i met you.
    and that we likes each other.
    πŸ™‚
    i am glad you didn’t say “you’re cool but…..i have a really busy life…..so…no”
    GOd continues to bless us our entire lives with NEW friendships to make us new people.
    i am so GLAD he does!!

  14. Lisa says:

    Not a good friend?! Sista.. I’m calling BS on that. When you write like this.. the real life ragged exhaustion and self disappointment stuff, you are being a fantastic friend. Your readers come to you for a smile, a giggle-snort-peepants (me), or an escape from all the stuffs that wear them down. And you write this. It is as though you are sitting on the couch with each of your bajillion readers saying.. “dude.. I’m overwhelmed. This sucks.” And YOUR being heard is US being heard, with our weary crap loaded life stories. That’s all we really want. To. Be. Heard.

    So thanks for listening.
    You are my best friend.

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