Take It On Tuesday: Why I Couldn’t

by | Oct 23, 2012 | Parenting/Family, Take It On Tuesday | 24 comments

I’m gonna be honest with you.

Yesterday was a hard day.

Then I took it out on my kids.

I’m tired. I’m stretched thin. Me aaaaand the bank account.

I’m the adult. I should be the one to roll with the punches. I should be the one to set a gentle example to my children when the walls come crashing down.

IIIIII am the safe place!

Right?

Except…

I am not patient.

I am not gentle.

I am not soft-spoken.

I am discontent.

I feel pressed and resentful.

I was supposed to (self-imposed) do a “Take It On Tuesday” video.

But the day demanded other things from me first.

By the time I thought I might get a little time in front of the camera… to be silly… lighten up… get some creative time in… deep anger began to grab hold.

The straw: a lost ballet slipper.

THE EXACT BALLET SLIPPERS THAT SHOULD BE PUT IN A BOX THAT NEVER MOVES. THE EXACT BALLET SLIPPERS THAT ARE ONLY TO BE WORN TO BALLET CLASS. LOST 1 MINUTE BEOFRE LEAVING FOR CLASS.

aaaaaaand just the explosion of kid stuff everywhere.

EHHHHHHHHVERYWHERE.

I realize one day I will feel lonely and wish for the mess, but today… it made me feel unloved.

I took it personally. The mess felt like my kids were trying to tell me, “We don’t care about you, and we laugh in the face of your precious TIME.

I yelled.

I said some bad words.

::shame::

The crazy mess made me feel like my daily efforts to keep life running are stupid to everyone and “LET’S HAVE A MESS MAKING PARTY!!! MOM WILL CLEAN IT UP AND WE WILL ASK FOR PLAY DATES AND ICE CREAM!!!!”

On a normal day, I would have been normal angry. But yesterday I was ragey-angry … probably because of the weight of everything else.

It wasn’t their fault.

Not really.

It wasn’t my fault.

Except it was.

I am the Mom. I am the safe place. I am the calm before, during, and after the storm.

It doesn’t mean I am to pick up after my family.

But it sometimes does mean I pick up after my family.

I love to serve them.

I love to bless them.

But sometimes it backfires.

Like yesterday.

So. Take It On Tuesday didn’t happen.

Because I felt angry.

Because I couldn’t turn my attitude around. I couldn’t fake “funny and sparkles”.

///

I love my kids so crazy much. I hate when these moments happen.

Deep, heart-wrenching regret.

I do tell them I am sorry.

But it doesn’t make those moments go away.

Ugh. Sometimes it feels like all I have to give is FAIL.

Peace and sparkles? I guess it was buried under a stinky pile of emotional crap.

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Peace and Sparkles!

Jenny

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